The Hardest Things We Face

Jesse slammed the door to him room, threw his backpack into the corner of his room, flopped onto the beanbag hard enough he heard a seam pop, then reached for the pillow from his bed nearby and used it to smother a snarling scream. He heard the swift approaching steps of his mother stop abruptly and wondered why. The sound of crutches a moment later told him the answer. The sound approached his door, paused there, and seemed to hesitant as their user heard his quiet sniffles.

A very quiet tap sounded on the door. “Jess? Are you okay?”

"Go away!" he half snapped, half sobbed.

Another pause. "Alright, Jess, if that's what you want. I'm going to go out to the bench on the back porch. Do you want to join me when you're up to it? It's a nice evening out there. Don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to."

And with that, the crutches limped away to the back door. He heard the crutches bang on the door a little, a quiet murmur of voices, and then the door close quietly a moment later.

The tears he'd wanted to keep at bay ripped out of his heart and soaked into the pillow as he tried to stifle them. But the levee had already burst; he couldn't repair it until the floodwaters had subsided. Every time he thought he would be able to stop, another deluge would start. At last, he stopped trying to fight them. He let the tears come and the storm withing him slowly faded and ebbed away into stillness.

His nose felt like he'd stuffed cotton balls up it and his head hurt. Exhausted, he reached for the box of tissues on his desk and blew his nose into a few tissues. He heard his mother's footsteps approach his door, then retreat again towards her office. He sighed, grateful. He really didn't want to talk about this with her.

Then he remembered the sound of crutches retreating and felt guilty. He wrestled with himself, then sighed. He threw the tissues into his waste basket and crept quietly out of his room, through the living room, and out of the back door in the kitchen to the back porch. It was past sunset now, twilight slowly deepening in the woods behind the house into night. A few crickets that hadn't gotten the hint that it was nearly winter chirped quietly. Somewhere, an owl hooted out a call.

Waiting for him on the bench was Uncle Kevin, his crutches leaning against the wall to his left, his right pant leg folded just above where the knee would have been if he'd still had the rest of his leg. He was rubbing the stump absently, his red beard mostly grey now, hiding a good number of the scars Jesse knew were on his face. His hair was getting a little long again, curling in waves of red, gold, and grey over the collar of his flannel shirt. He turned as Jesse approached the bench, an easy smile lighting his face and right eye. The left was covered in a brown, leather patch.

"There you are," he said. "I was starting to wonder if you would join me."

His right arm was resting easily on the back of the bench, and Jesse sat next to him and leaned against his adopted uncle with a sigh as heavy as a boulder. Uncle Kevin ruffled his hair a little, gave him a little one armed hug, and then put his arm back where it had been. The left arm stayed resting on the arm of the bench easily, fingers tapping out a rhythm only Uncle Kevin understood.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you," Jesse mumbled.

"Hmm. You're fourteen, I wasn't offended, Jess. Teenagers are moody, or I certainly was." He sighed. "I feel like too many people my age forget what it's like, being your age. It's not the easiest thing, learning who and what you are as well as who and what you want to be. Add to that being a raging hormone factory, and well... But was there something that upset you?"

"Richard was following me and calling me a dyke again."

Uncle Kevin grunted. "That'd do it. Which do you need more, advice, comfort, a chance to rant and rail…?"

He thought about it, then shrugged. "I don't know."

The tapping of the fingers on the bench arm stilled and his uncle looked out at the gloom in the forest. After a long moment of silence between then, he sighed, and the tapping resumed. "Did I ever tell you that I'm gay, Jess?"

Jesse stared up at his uncle, surprised, then felt some of the pieces of his life that had never made much sense slide into place. "That's why you never married my mom! You offered to help her with me after dad died, but you two never dated or anything. You always said you had made a promise to your sergeant, and you love me and all, but you've never dated anybody! Uh, but why are you telling me now?"

Uncle Kevin chuckled. "Child, those names Richard keeps hurling at you, they're because he fears and hates what he doesn't understand and you are not as simple as he would like you to be. Such is the way of bullies like him… But I'm always going to love you, Jess, and your mother is always going to love you, no matter what you are. Who you are has always meant more to us, always will."

It was his turn to look out at the forest, thinking. He'd always been afraid to talk about this topic with his uncle before, but… "Uncle Kevin? Is it hard to be gay? Or queer, or… different?"

"Yes, of course." His uncle sighed. "In a strange way, that landmine did me a favor. I was never going to be as simple as some people would prefer me either. I may have lost my leg, my eye, and I still mourn my dashing good looks sometimes—"

Jesse giggled.

Uncle Kevin grinned. "Don't laugh, I was quite the looker once! But worse, I lost a man who had saved my life, a man I greatly respected. He was my sergeant, but more importantly he was your father. When we were deployed, he was fretting about leaving your mom with a baby if something happened to him. I promised him if something happened to him and I was still around, I'd try to help her. And something happened… to both of us, but I was the one that lived. So, when I got my medical discharge, I came here and offered to sleep on the couch and change diapers. It was the best decision I ever made, too."

"Aren't you lonely sometimes?"

"Romantically? Well, I suppose, now and again. But no, not really. I have you and I have your mother now too. Your mom and I might not date, but we're very good friends. She's the sister I never had, now."

Jesse blinked at him, realizing he’d never heard Uncle Kevin talk about siblings, parents, aunts... "What about your family?"

This earn him a baffled look. "What do you mean? You two are my family."

He shook his head. "No, I mean, what about your parents? Do you have a brother? You've never talked about them."

His uncle grimaced. "Jess… Ah. Not every family likes having a queer sheep in the family. I came out to them after I was discharged, after I’d been moved in with you and your mom for a while. They told me never to contact them again. That's why I don't talk about them."

He stared up at his uncle, really taking in the missing leg, the missing eye, the scars, for the first time. On top of all that, losing his blood family must have… "I'm sorry, Uncle Kevin. That had to have sucked."

"Oh, yes, it did. It did then, it did for a while. Still does, sometimes." And then he found his head in a lock as Uncle Kevin gave him a gentle noogie. "But I got to hang out with you and watch you grow up, so it's not a complete loss."

"Hey, no, no, lemme go!" Jesse yelped and tried to wriggle free, cackling, but he was really caught this time.

"Nope! Not yet!" Uncle Kevin gave him a big, sloppy, wet kiss on the cheek, then released him.

"Gross! What did you do that for?!" he demanded, wiping at his cheek.

"To remind myself that one of the most painful times in my life gave me one of the best things in my entire life; a caring woman who’s my soul’s lost sister and her annoying, whiny, smelly teenager. Sometimes, the hardest things we face in life give us the best rewards, you see. Just gotta see them through till then. Even if you are smelly."

Jesse stuck out his tongue and got a tongue sticking out at him back.

The door opened and his mom stuck her head out. "Hey, you two, it's about time for dinner. Why don't you come in and wash your hands?"

"Okay, in a minute, mom."

“Yeah, give me a second to get up, Lainey. We’ll be in soon.”

She smiled at them. “Okay. I’ll just get the last few things finished then. What do you want to drink tonight?”

“Lemonade!” Jesse demanded with a grin.

“Make that two!'“

His mom laughed. “Lemonade all around then! Don’t take too long, it’s starting getting awfully cold out here, and neither of you needs a chill. Brrrr!”

When the door had closed behind her again, Jesse turned to his uncle. “Does Mom know?”

“Yes, of course. I’ve told her all of this.”

Trust Uncle Kevin to make it sound so simple. Jesse bit his lip, hesitating. "I want to tell you something, but… can you not tell mom yet?"

His uncle smiled. "Of course. There are some things I would tell your mom, but nearly everything you say stays between us and always has."

Jesse smiled and took a deep breath. "I'm… I think I'm trans. That I'm a guy, not…" He started to squirm.

Uncle Kevin gave him that one armed hug again. "I've been wondering. That's why I mostly just call you Jess these days, you know. The last couple years, you've really not liked when we call you Jessica much. I could see it in your face, could hear it in the hesitation before you’d respond to it."

He grinned. "Thanks, and yeah, not much. I haven't picked anything else yet, but I kinda think of myself as Jesse."

"Jesse, huh? Well, I'm not going to tell you it's easy, being queer, because you know how much I hate lying. But you can do this, Jesse." He reached for his crutches and hoisted himself up onto them. "We both know you're too stubborn not to and I will always, always have your back. Hungry?"

He mentally poked his stomach and got an answering gurgle. "Yeah, starving. Do you know what mom was making?" He hurried over to open the door for his uncle.

"Tuna casserole, I think. The one with the canned peas."

He faked a retch. "Aw, man, not again!"

Uncle Kevin grinned as he limped his way inside. "That was the plan, anyway. When you came home upset she changed it to burgers and baked potatoes, she told me before I came out here."

"Whew! Richard is finally good for something!" He started to follow his uncle inside when an autumn wind rustled through the trees and ruffled his hair.

He turned to look out at the forest, almost completely dark now, and thought about what Uncle Kevin had been through. How much inner strength must it have taken to keep going after all of that? It must have hurt a lot, mentally and emotionally. Had he ever wanted to give up? He made it seem so easy sometimes, but it must have been difficult. Uncle Kevin had something he said about facing hard things sometimes, now that he thought about it. What was it…?

“Sometimes, the hardest things we face in life give us the best rewards, you see. Just gotta see them through till then.”

No, it hadn't been easy for him, had it?

But, Jesse reflected as he turned back to the open doorway, it must have been worth it. Uncle Kevin seemed happy these days. And if Uncle Kevin could get through all that, he decided, Jesse could get through a lot of lesser problems. Like Richard. Richard was definitely a lesser problem. Coming out was… a bigger problem, but not one he had to deal with today and not one he had to deal with alone. It would be a hard thing, but… Being himself, being truly himself… That sounded amazing.

He took a deep breath of the brisk, autumn evening air, and went inside.

"Hey, uh, Mom, can I talk to you about something?"