I'm Fine, I Promise

I had a seizure sometime early Friday morning. I went to bed on Thursday night feeling fine, when I woke up on Friday I had a horrific migraine. I get them usually on the left side of my head, but when they happen on the right side they're what I call "the dangerous kind" because I have seizures with those more often than I don't. Unfortunately, that migraine was on the right side. As the migraine medication I took kicked in, I could feel the after effects of one more clearly.

I am so tired of this. I just want it to stop. And I can tell myself the timing was good at least, I've got a neurologist appointment today, all I want. It doesn't make me feel any less depressed about it. I had gone two and a half months without one, I was doing so well! And now... I'm right back at zero.

It's easy to get disheartened with this kind of thing. With physical problems causing a CFS flare and another damn seizure, it is so easy to feel frustrated, depressed, angry, even a hint of despair. I know I do, every single time.

I get asked a lot how I keep going with all of this going on all the time and I think the answer is one part "I have absolutely no idea," one part pure-grade gumption, one part stubbornness, and two parts ADHD. Yes, ADHD. I could focus on the negative parts of this. Sometimes I even choose to because I have to let myself feel what I'm feeling. But my meat mecha being a problem isn't the only thing going on right now, is it?

There's enough going on in the world right now that if I need that kind of distraction, literally all I need to do is open my news app. The garden needs weeding and tis' the season for giving my onion plants abortions, also everything needs periodic watering. My nephew needs attention and he's terrible at food, somehow worse than I am, so he's always good for something else to think about. and if absolutely all else fails, I can watch a movie or open a book.

I am writing this as much to tell you how I get through it when it feels this impossible as to remind myself. And for today, given my brain still hurts, that is all I have the energy for.